When something goes wrong, many of us are quick to turn on ourselves. How could I be so stupid? I always mess things up. Mindful self-compassion offers another way: noticing what’s happening with kindness, and treating yourself as you would a friend who is struggling.

Here are six gentle steps you can try the next time you’re having a hard time.

1. Notice

Begin by noticing that you’re struggling. It sounds simple, but we often rush past our own pain. Pause and acknowledge it: This is a hard moment.

2. Notice what started it

Gently ask yourself what triggered the feeling. Was it something someone said? A mistake you made? A memory? Understanding the cause can help you respond more kindly.

3. Feel it in your body

Notice where the feeling lives in your body. A tight chest, a lump in your throat, a heavy stomach. Simply noticing these sensations, without trying to change them, can help them soften.

4. Stay for one breath

Rather than rushing away from the discomfort, try staying with it for one slow breath. Then another, if you can. You’re showing yourself that you can be with difficult feelings without being overwhelmed.

5. Speak to yourself as a friend

What would you say to a dear friend going through the same thing? Perhaps, It’s okay. You’re doing your best. This is hard, and you’re not alone. Offer those same words to yourself. Placing a hand on your heart can make this feel more real.

6. Remember you’re not the only one

Everyone struggles. Everyone makes mistakes. Remembering this shared human experience can ease the sense of isolation that often comes with pain.

A practice, not a performance

You won’t do this perfectly, and you don’t need to. Some days it will feel natural, and some days your inner critic will be loud. Each time you choose a kinder response, you’re strengthening a new habit.

For more on this, read What it means to be self compassionate and how to do it right and Self-compassion: a gentle 3-step practice.

How little is enough

Next time you’re having a hard moment, try just one step: notice, breathe or offer yourself one kind sentence. That’s enough to begin.

If you’d like to keep exploring, you’ll find a few gentle guides on the Guides page.